“Ban This Filth Before the Goblins Get Into Parliament”

Posted by: THE SOCIETY FOR PROPER GAMES (and Actual Morals)

THE SOCIETY FOR PROPER GAMES (and Actual Morals)
Display Name: S.P.G.A.M.
Username: @ProperGamesNow
Bio:
Morality. Monopoly. Mild tea.
Based in Tunbridge Wells.
Games should teach taxes, not tentacles.
Profile Pic: A stern-looking owl wearing glasses perched atop a rulebook titled Fun with Morals.
Followers: 8.8k
Joined: September 2017
Pinned Post: “NO MORE VOMIT MAGIC!”

“We at S.P.G.A.M. believe in good, clean games with proper values. Games where the only monsters are taxed appropriately and all tea is accounted for.

Dungeon Dunce is an assault on decency. It contains:

Rules for ‘vomit-based spellcasting’
A monster called The Accountant of Agony
Tables where rolling a 6 causes ‘existential confusion’

It’s madness. It’s chaos. It’s… oddly entertaining.

NO! Stay strong, Mavis!

Ban this game before the children unionise.”

“We Demand Accountability for the Spontaneous Combustion Clause”

Posted by: Concerned Parents of Greater Croydon

Concerned Parents of Greater Croydon
Display Name: Concerned Parents GC
Username: @CroydonCares
Bio:
Safe games. Clean dice. No combustion.
We meet every Tuesday after choir.
Petitioning against “Fiery Disappointment” since v1.3.
Profile Pic: A group photo with red cardigans and very concerned faces.
Followers: 3.1k
Joined: November 2020
Pinned Post: “Bethany has the scorched character sheet to prove it.”

“Our children deserve better. They deserve safe, educational games—like Monopoly, where you learn about crippling debt.

Dungeon Dunce, on the other hand, includes a mechanic called ‘Fiery Disappointment’. Our Bethany hit Level 3 and combusted in-game, right in front of the vicar.

The Overlord (a 9-year-old) showed no remorse.

We are calling for a full ban on this game, or at least proper parental guidance warning labels like:

MAY CONTAIN: Unholy ducks, prophetic nosebleeds, and legal possession by vegetables.”

“My Son Tried to Summon a Cabbage God in the Kitchen. Thanks, Red Cape.”

Posted by: Brenda4Sanity, Chairwoman of M.U.M.S. (Mothers United against Magical Shenanigans)

Brenda4Sanity, Chairwoman of M.U.M.S.
Display Name: Brenda Hepplewhite
Username: @Brenda4Sanity
Bio:
Chair of M.U.M.S.
Cleaning up after magical disasters since 2009.
Parsnip Latin is a hate crime.
Profile Pic: A motherly figure with curlers and a spray bottle labeled “Holy Water.”
Followers: 12.4k
Joined: May 2018
Pinned Post: “I banned Ouija boards, now I have to ban the salad spinner.”

“It started harmlessly. Just a dice game, they said. A bit of family fun, they said.

Then I walked in on young Oliver performing a ritual over the salad spinner while chanting in Parsnip Latin. He’d drawn eyes on all the veg. The cat hasn’t come down from the curtains since.

Red Cape, explain yourself.

Also, does anyone know how to remove beetroot sigils from a granite countertop?”

“How to Delete the Cosmic Duck from Reality (and Other Lies Red Cape Told Us)” Posted by: The Goblin Union (Local 187)

The Goblin Union (Local 187)
Display Name: Local 187 – Goblin Union
Username: @UnionizedMenace
Bio:
One guild, many grievances.
Anti-Duck, Pro-Snack.
Weekly chant: “Quack Off!”
Profile Pic: A goblin picket line outside a dungeon with one sign reading “No Ducks, No Dice!”
Followers: 9.2k
Joined: January 2022
Pinned Post: “Your boss monster shouldn’t be a waterfowl with feelings.”

“They said the Cosmic Duck was just a joke boss. They said it wouldn’t be in the starter dungeon.

They lied. It’s there. It watches.

We’ve tried banishment, therapy, and interpretive dance. Nothing works.

Please, for the love of all that is feathery and eldritch, do not quack back.”

“The Cabbage Lich is Real and He Owes Me Child Support” Posted by: Anonymous but Smells Like Compost

Anonymous but Smells Like Compost
Display Name: Rotbucket
Username: @TheCompostOracle
Bio:
Truth from the mulch.
Victim of undead cabbage litigation.
Blocked by the Cabbage Lich.
Profile Pic: A wilted lettuce with glowing red eyes wearing a monocle.
Followers: 777
Joined: October 2023
Pinned Post: “He’s still in my DMs. He sent GIFs.”

“Look, we warned them. You can’t just create undead produce without reading the side effects.

The Cabbage Lich wasn’t supposed to make it past playtesting. Now he’s got a Twitter account and he’s DMing my nan.

Dungeon Dunce isn’t a game. It’s a summoning ritual wrapped in bad art and worse judgement.”